Accept yourself
by ImaginaryWonderland
Summary: Dean didn't realise what he was leaving behind 2 years ago when he left. All he knew was that Alice wanted out. When he went back to finally tell her about the impending apocalypse, what he didn't expect was a kid in her arms and a look on her face that was secretly pleading him to stay. Dean/OC
1. Chapter I

_Anything is hard to find  
When you will not open your eyes._

It truly is as hard as they say it is, raising a kid. Even more difficult when it's with someone you don't want to raise it with. It makes you appreciate silence more, yet hate it at the same time. You wonder what your life could have ever been without the little bundle of innocence. Then you start to wonder what could have been, what the kids life should be like with that person in their life. Alice's son, Henry, was an exception, she knew what her boy would be like, he'd be corrupted. He'd have to mature young like she did. And if she had the option, he'd stay far away from that life - she knew the time would come, when he'd start asking questions. Questions she wasn't ready to answer. That wasn't for many years, which she was thankful for.

She adored her son, treasured him more than her own life.

"Here comes the train," Henry watched the spoon gleefully as it was headed towards his mouth and bounced lightly in his high chair. Alice smiled broadly as he didn't refuse the vegetables. The doorbell rang, dragging her away from the prideful moment, "always gotta be when you eat your veggies, ain't that right, Henry?" she heaved him up out of the chair, unwilling to leave him alone in the kitchen, wiping his face with the cloth over her shoulder. Once again, the doorbell rang out obnoxiously. "Wait a second!" she called out, walking to the front door, Henry tugging at her dark hair the whole way, something he seemed to enjoy doing. As she reached the hallway leading to the door, the ever persistent noise echoed through the walls.

She cracked open the door, Henry's heavy weight on her hip hidden behind the wood as the chain constricted it from being opened any further, "you better have a good reason for being here."

"Still a bucket full of sunshine." she halted in bouncing Henry on her hip at the too familiar, husky voice as her mind went into overdrive. What the hell was he doing back in Nebraska?

Alice weighed out her options, she could let him in, displaying her weakness to him - he'd probably want to be a part of Henry's life and eventually her innocent child will be involved in something much deeper than humanly possible. Or, slam the door in his face and refuse to give even a minuscule amount of detail about her son to him.

Her head was working against her heart as she unchained the lock with one hand and walked in the opposite direction once she knew he'd be able to sort out the door himself. Alice headed in the same direction she came from, almost instantly placing Henry in his high-chair and resumed feeding him his Dinner. She heard Dean's not-so-light footsteps behind her and her stomach clenched at the thought of confrontation which was soon to occur.

"Cute kid." he said as she raised the half-full spoon to Henry's mouth, only this time he wasn't too keen on ingesting the orange mush. Alice didn't once turn around to face him even though she was certain his eyes followed her every move.

"Did you need something?" Henry seemed to notice the change in tone of her voice as she stared right at him and reached a hand out to her, tugging on the strands of her hair that hung close to him.

"Sam and I, we were in the neighbourhood, thought I'd drop by." his voice seemed too distant, as if his thoughts were somewhere else and the awkwardness Alice was feeling wouldn't let her even reply to his back-handed comment. "What's it's name?" one of the questions she dreaded to hear the most, not only was it a gateway to an attachment between the two, but it was also a dead giveaway to the whole reason he was alive.

"His name is Henry, he's 15 months." she tried again with the mushed up carrot, Henry seeming to accept the spoonful.

"Is he- I mean, Is-," Dean was struggling to get out his words, that much was clear, Alice didn't want to admit it to herself let alone him. Neither mentioned the fact that the kid's name was his own middle name.

"Yeah," she gulped down the lump in her throat as she smiled sadly at Henry, taking note of the Hazel eyes, freckles that pattered over his nose and cheeks before turning to Dean, seeing the exact same in the older man, "yeah he is."

Dean seemed to stop breathing, half expecting her to say no, the other, hopeful half longing for her to say yes. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but the two people in front of him were his one way ticket out of it all - he could finally ditch the life of a hunter and have a family. Hell, Alice already had that white picket fence, it was all there lay in front of him.

Then Dean's eyes flickered past the woman and to the smiling, squirming child. He didn't even need to ask the question, it was painfully obvious who he got most of his genetics from - the only difference between him and the kid was the dark locks which he'd clearly inherited from his mother. Alice. Alice hadn't changed one bit - granted, it'd only been two years, but in those two years he'd felt like he'd aged centuries. Each time he looked in the mirror he noticed an age mark that hadn't been there the day before, but her; she was still the woman he remembered.

"Why didn't you call me?" Alice wasn't expecting the sorrowful sigh that came out of his mouth.

"And tell you what?" her eyebrows furrowed before she turned back to her son, dipping the spoon into the orange paste to lift up to Henry's mouth, "Hey Sweetie, I'm five months pregnant and you're the baby daddy?" Henry's tugging on her hair stopped as he repeatedly patted his hands on the tabletop, enjoying his carrot, "you wouldn't have come back, Dean. As much as you want to say you would have, you know you're lying to yourself."

Alice heard him sigh deeply as she heard him lean back against the counter, "If you think that low of me, Alice-"

"Please, let's just not argue." he didn't reply to her plead and simply watched as her eyes lit up every time the baby took the food into his mouth.

"That stuff looks gross."

"You would think so after all the processed food you shovel into your pie hole." she dropped the rubber spoon into the plastic bowl and pushed it onto the breakfast table, pulling the cloth from her shoulder and wiping her hands clean before moving onto Henry's hands and face.

"When's the last time you ate a cheeseburger? You're startin' to sound like one of those uppity bitches." he joked, still feeling a little unnerved by the whole situation.

"When's the last time you ate something healthy?" she tossed the cloth back over her shoulder and lifted up her ever-growing son from his chair with a light grunt. Her tone was suddenly more serious, "I know this isn't your thing, this whole cereal box family - I don't expect it to be. But," she bit the inside of her cheek, "if you're gonna leave, then go now. I don't wanna have to tell my son something he doesn't want to hear."

Dean looked uncomfortable in his skin, nowhere near as used to expressing emotions as she was, he supposed it had something to do with childbirth, since before this she wouldn't utter a single word about herself.

**A/N: So, I've had this idea in my head for a little while, and I've had it written for a couple of days, honestly - I was contemplating even uploading it, but here it is, I hope you enjoy it! Go easy on me, this is my first Supernatural fic that I've posted - let me know if you like it and I might just upload the second part^_^!**


	2. Chapter II

**Disclaimer: as much as I would like to own Supernatural, I don't. This is only a work of Fanfiction (obviously). I'm not going to put a disclaimer at the start of them all FYI.**

"Can I hold him?" it took all of his might to not sprint out of there at full speed, and instead he took the plunge with a small grimace on his face. Alice took her time in contemplating the pros and cons, he could see it all over her face, yet when her eyes met his, he already had his answer.

Alice moved towards him and carefully handed over her son, unravelling his hand from the clutch on her hair. As soon as Henry was in Dean's arms it was like he had an epiphany, or at least that's what it looked like to Alice. His eyes shone as he bounced Henry lightly, a small smile on his usually broody lips. Henry fell forward onto Dean's shoulder, attempting to grab at the non-existent flowing hair on his head, but smiling regardless.

"I think he likes me." he wholly said with a smile, she could hear it in his voice - the sheer happiness, and it was like nothing had ever happened between them, something she could at least enjoy for the time being. Henry leaned back again, looking Dean straight in the face and Alice almost broke down into tears at the sight. She always thought 'Kodak moments' were cliche, but if ever there was one, it'd be that. This man who whored himself around for dozens of women was suddenly a different person who saw nothing but the child in front of him, his son. Henry had some sort of a knowing look on his face, something that was rare on a child so young, as if he saw a familiarity in the man. His small hands grabbed onto Dean's nose, who winced slightly at the sharpness of his nails. "Might wanna ease up on the grip, kid." he knew Henry wouldn't understand, but Alice would.

"Where's Sam?" Alice tore her eyes away from the two and headed to the sink to wash the finished bowl.

"Asleep in the car." he didn't seem to care about his brother at that moment in time, even if he was probably aching from a crooked neck.

"You guys wanna stay for dinner?" Dean's eyes snapped up at that, some sort of longing in his eyes - he probably hadn't had a home cooked meal in weeks - then the longing was overclouded with regret.

"Alice, there's something I need to tell you about Sam." he looked down to the ground before flicking his eyes up. One of the only reasons he even considered going back there, to see her, to tell her the one thing he was absolutely terrified of. What he did. What was happening. They held each others' gazes, Henry resting on Dean's shoulder.

The sudden slam of the front door snapped them both out of whatever connection they were having as Alice turned around to face the sink once more. Heavy footsteps gave away exactly who it was, since it sounded like a stampede was rushing through her corridor.

"Sam," Dean gave a fake, open mouthed smile to his brother, eyes wide and staring at Alice, as if to say 'give me a hand.'

Sam's mouth was open in what looked like shock, his eyes drifting from Alice slowly over the form of a half asleep infant lay comfortably on Dean's shoulder. Alice noticed how haggard and worn out Sammy looked, it could have been due to only just waking up, but she saw that it ran deeper than that. The bags under his eyes were from more than just lack of sleep - he was a lot worse than Dean in that aspect.

All at once, Sam's open mouth spread into a grin as his eyes lit up, as if his brain had gotten over the initial shock and all he felt was elation. This was the closest he'd probably ever get to caring for a kid so young, since he doubted he'd ever have kids of his own, it was a sort of escape from the real world, as horrible as it sounded.

His eyes flickered over to Alice, a woman he hadn't seen in years - a pit of something at the bottom of his stomach churning as he took strides over to her and engulfed her in his huge frame, "hey, Sammy." she choked out, digging her face into his shoulder. It had been a while since she'd had physical contact from someone that wasn't ten times smaller than her, she relished in the feeling of someone needing a hug as much as she did.

"I missed you." her arms manoeuvred their way to his shoulders where she could look at him properly, forgetting Dean's presence for the time being. This was her childhood best friend and she'd be damned if she didn't spend time to analyse how different he looked. Her smile dimmed when she saw the look of pure torture in his eyes, all the sleepless nights and the pain he had seen showing like a projection on a wall. There was a hint of something else, quite clearly worry, that had her on edge.

"Sorry for ruining the moment," Dean's finger pointed at Henry's diaper, "unprepared for him filling it." Alice looked over Sam's shoulder - as much as she could - and gave him a final smile before heading towards Dean to take Henry out of his arms and to change his diaper, not missing the wide eyed look he gave to her. The Winchesters watched as Alice and her son left the room to head upstairs and as soon as they heard the first door slam shut, Sam backhanded Dean on the shoulder.

"Dude." Sam was raising his eyebrows expectedly, wanting an explanation, even though it was as clear as day what their predicament was.

"I'm a Dad!" Dean chuckled, a wave of emotions making him sick to his stomach, he wasn't used to such emotional affairs, it quite frankly scared him. Even Sam knew something was off by the way that he acted. Hell, before he went in there - Sam knew he wasn't just visiting. "I'm a Dad." he repeated to himself, eyebrows suddenly furrowing as he looked up worriedly at his brother, "I'm royally screwed."

"Dean." Sam sighed, lifting one edge of his lips up in empathy.

"No," Dean wiped his face, "had to be now. I had to find out I have a kid now." his voice rumbled loudly and even Sam had to look down the corridor to make sure Alice wasn't coming back any time soon, "What do I do, Sammy?" Sam hadn't ever seen his brother look so pitiful in all his life, for good reason, never seen him look so vulnerable and scared at the same time. In all honesty, Sam had no idea what to do either, with the apocalypse hanging over their heads, there wasn't much they could do other than keep looking for a loophole.

"What's his name?" Sam asked quietly, a shy smile on his face. Dean gave a humourless laugh, looking everywhere but his brother.

"Henry." Dean's bottom lip twitched in the slightest as he turned around, away from Sam to lean on the counter he was previously in front of.

"You mean like, Granddad Henry?" at the question, Dean actually gave a small, grimace of a smile.

"Bingo."

"So, what now?" he didn't dare turn to face his brother, it was almost a metaphor for facing his problems, something he wasn't at all ready to do.

"We're at the start of the apocalypse and I found out I have a son, give me a minute to process." Dean looked down, biting the inside of his bottom lip to prepare himself, "you can't tell her, Sam." he turned to face Sam, pleading him - something he'd only ever done once or twice, but never like this.

Sam groaned, "you can't keep her in the dark with all this. You looked pretty much bummed out yesterday, you wanted to give up on everything. This," he motioned around him, "this family," Dean almost flinched at the word, knowing that he could never truly have it, "it's a reason to keep going, Dean. Keep fighting."

"We done with this hallmark crap?" Dean raised his eyebrows, nodding his head at Sam's sigh before heading towards the stairs, hearing Alice coo to the baby and smiling. The light hum of an all too familiar song drifted through the thin wooden door as he stood on the other side, readying himself to go in.

**A/N: I thought I'd update just because! Just to clarify, this is mid-season 4, so after Dean has got back from Hell but Lucifer hasn't been released yet. Also, I forgot to mention last chapter, the lyrics at the top are from the Smiths - Accept yourself (if that wasn't already obvious from the story title). This is only going to be a short story, like literally less than 5,000 words, and if anyone wants me to, I'll carry it on from the year break between 5 and 6. Obviously Dean isn't going to go back to Lisa if he knows he has a kid with someone else, though Lisa is still in this and the Changelings episode still happened. **

**Thankyou to all who have alerted/fav'd this story, it means a lot! Special thanks go to Jesyca12 and jwoo2525 for reviewing!^-^ As for your question, jwoo2525, it's quite the contrary^-^ You'll find out something important next chapter, which doesn't make too much sense but hopefully comes as a little shock.**


	3. Chapter III

All of this hit him like a freight train and he was more than surprised he hadn't gone into a sudden downward spiral of panic, he was actually taking it sort of well. Maybe it was because he always had a nagging thought that he was leaving more than just Alice behind.

_"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,_

_Don't carry the world upon your shoulders,"_

Dean pushed open the door slowly to see Alice bobbing around with Henry in her arms, his hand in her hair and head rested on her shoulder, a place which he seemed to enjoy. The room was what surprised him the most, it was covered in stars, probably coming from the star projector in the middle of the room, but all the while, Alice's eyes were closed as she sang him to sleep. He didn't think he'd ever seen something as beautiful than in that moment. The stars flickered over both of their faces, almost as if they were supposed to be there, like lights to guide his way.

Alice's eyes flickered open and automatically switched down to the child in her arms, smiling fondly when she saw that he was smiling in his sleep. She wasn't completely oblivious to Dean's presence and instead softly called him over, which he complied to and stood behind Alice to look over her shoulder.

"He won't sleep unless he hears it," Dean hadn't ever heard her speak so softly, "force of habit, I guess."

"It's what my Mom sang to me as a kid," his husky voice didn't sound right in the soft tone of his voice, but the quietness was appreciated non-the-less.

"I know." she smiled to herself, moving closer to the crib to lower Henry into the pool of blue sheets. Stopping once she did so to untangle his hand from her hair and caress his tiny face. He was undoubtedly Deans, there was no question about it. Even if he was the only person she slept with back then.

"What did you need to tell me?" she looked up at him curiously, "earlier, I mean." How was he supposed to drop that bombshell on her when she looked like that? Her eyebrows were slightly raised and she adorned a small smile on her lips.

"Alice, you know I can't stay, right?" even with the tiny smile on her face, he saw the crease of her brows as she nodded.

"Of course, I wasn't expecting you to." Dean wouldn't take his eyes off the kid in his crib. He had to leave him behind, as much as he longed for this life, it wasn't his life to live, there was no way of escaping hunting - he'd always be paranoid and on the look-out for danger. He'd still barely recovered from the Carter family in Stratton - the primal instinct of those kids engrained into his memory.

"I would," he grabbed her hand that was resting on the wooden crib, "if I didn't have this life, I swear I would." she twisted her hand around so she had hold of his and looked up at him.

"I believe you." she pulled his hand to her face and kissed the back of his hand, "I wish you could, Dean."

Even after 2 years of no contact, it felt natural for the two of them to be so affectionate, even if it was out of nature in their relationship to be so touchy feely. Alice understood what she was getting into by being the way she was with Dean, given his extra-curricular activities. What they used to have was never serious, mostly just fooling around - but it wasn't hard to see underlying feelings underneath all of the playful insults. It wasn't as if they were committed to each other, Alice full well knew Dean had slept with more women than she could count in those 2 years, and it hardly bothered her - she hadn't been a saint either. What they had wasn't love. She wasn't even sure if either of them were capable of it at that point.

Alice led the two of them out of the room and into the corridor, quietly closing the door behind her and leant against the wall, her shoulder holding up her weight as her and Dean stood in front of each other, neither knowing what to say - not that it was awkward.

"Something's wrong." she deducted from the worried look that had been on his face since he arrived.

"You have no idea." he muttered to himself and seeing the raised eyebrows of Alice had him contemplating on ever telling her - it wasn't something he'd ever thought he'd have to do and therefore didn't have a plan. She knew about hunting and its consequences, so it wouldn't come as too much of a shock to her, but that didn't mean she wouldn't be absolutely devastated. "When this is all over, I'll tell you. But Goddamn it, Alice, I'm scared." Dean said through a clenched jaw, and she knew he meant it. It took a lot for him to admit it to her, but he knew that she'd be his shoulder to cry on. It was a bittersweet moment for her whenever Dean would say what was on his mind, because either way she knew he was hurting way more than he let on.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" she choked out before jumping forward and wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him into her. It didn't take long for his arms to go around her and he felt an overpowering need to let it all out, whether it was because of Alice, or the fact that finally someone hadn't pestered him, didn't want to dig deeper into his brain. He could feel Alice's hand in what hair he had and felt like an idiot for not talking to her about this. He didn't really know if he regretted not visiting her in that whole 'year left to live' business not long ago, he didn't find much reason to then, him and Sam were too focused on finding a way out of it to think about the girl. "You should have called me." she felt him wrap his arms tighter, and although he'd never admit it to anyone, she was pretty sure he had tears in his eyes. "I've always been here, Dean. You know that." she gripped tighter, not knowing any other way to react, before holding his face in her hands, as if to reassure him.

"I should have come back months ago." The broken look on his face made her forget what he'd told her for the time being and instead pulled him in for a hug once again, digging his face into her clothed shoulder.

"It's not your fault, Dean." she said lightly, holding herself together, "it's just the way things are."

"I better be going." he abruptly pulled away and headed towards the stairs. Alice had no idea how to stop him from going, he'd just cried into her shoulder and was swooping out without another word.

"You're not going to say goodbye to Henry?" she called desperately, causing him to halt halfway down the stairs.

"It's best if I don't." he paused for a few seconds before walking straight out the front door, leaving Alice stood at the top of the stairs, borderline falling apart. She didn't know what she was expecting from him, it's not as if she was delusional - she knew he'd leave. Just about everyone who knew him, knew he was a 'love 'em and leave 'em' kind of guy. But Alice knew it was all a front, he could never stay in one place, so why create emotional ties? She was an exception, having known the boys since childhood. With tears in her eyes, she pulled out her cell and dialled a number she hadn't in years, she'd make things right this time.

"Bobby." He answered curtly.

"Hey, Dad."

* * *

**A/N: Not the best time to end this, but if I get enough feedback and people want me to, I'll carry this on - you'll see Henry grow up and how Dean manages, obviously you've seen how he is with Ben, but Ben's a lot older than Henry so he's not going to be the same, which is a given. But yeah, reviews make me smile^-^**


	4. Sequel

**_A/N: The sequel is up! I have been getting a fair amount of reviews and PM's that I wanted to get the first chapter of the new one out even if it isn't the best around. I appreciate all the interest in the story and constructive criticism is also appreciated. Let me know if you like it! (Also please don't tell me you hate Alice, bear in mind there hasn't been enough time for her to develop and even I think she's a liiiitttle too clingy to Dean. So yeah, it's called "Such a Heavenly way to die." So check that out! I love you all^-^!_**


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